Zany Letters

Dear Bluetooth,

I would like to kiss your creator. Or at least make you some gratitude cookies. I love listening to my “I Heart Radio” app on my car stereo. I was totally jamming to my tunes while I ran errands today.

Love,

My undying gratitude to you sirs!

Dear Washer,

You are only 7 years old. Have I been that unkind to you? You sound like dying whale singing it’s last rights during the washing portion of your cycle. Big thumbs down.

Yours,

Not happy with this new development

Dearest Husband,

I appreciate you taking the time to hand sew all the popped seams on our couches. That was very thoughtful. I can’t help but think that the real reason you did it, is because you REALLY don’t want to go furniture shopping with me. Too bad all the popped seams ripped open the next day.

Your loving wife

Dear Tiny Toot,

In just a few short weeks you will be a One. Year. Old. You have been the most challenging baby I’ve ever had, but I love you dearly. One request. Please start saying Mama. All I’m hearing so far is Dada.

Long may the Duchess reign,

Your Loving Mama

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Caboose letters and such

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Dear Blogspot,

Remember the good old days when making a blog took five minutes? Now you have to have a gmail and a google plus account before it will even let you set up your blogspot blog. Well I think it stinks! I helped my friend set up her blog and it took us over an hour!! WordPress doesn’t care what e-mail address you have and they certainly don’t require you to have a Facebook page.

Sincerely,

I’ll stick with WordPress.

Dear Mighty Mac,

There should be a simple way to share files. My external hard drive is connected to the network and yet I can’t locate it or figure out how to get files from it. If I was using Windows I could have clicked on ‘my computer’ and there it would be!!! Perhaps Windows is poorly made but at least I don’t have to take it to the store and ask a Genius how to perform a simple function.

Sincerely,

There’s something wonderful to be said about simplicity.

Dear Caboose,

I’ve decided your cravings are like the dark side of the Force. I must obey my master!

Sincerely,

My family is getting tired of spicy food.

Dear Dude and Princess,

You both seem really excited about the upcoming baby and the prospect of buying a minivan. However I’m concerned your enthusiasm might wane once you realize how much crying your in for. I can hear your squeaky voices now, “Mama! The baby is crying again!”

Sincerely,

My kiddos might be in for a shock.

Letters to so and so

Dear MP (Military Police)

You are wonderful, amazing, stupendous and whatever other word means brilliant. I appreciate that every morning that you direct traffic at my little yahoo’s school. However this morning I am sooooo sorry, so very sorry. Blowing snow, freezing temperatures and you get to stand outside in for 30 minutes? Again my apologies that our school was the ONLY one that didn’t get a delayed start.

the definition of miserable

Sincerely,

I appreciate your service!

Dear Colorado Weathermen,

How does light flurries and a 30% chance of snow translate into a full blown snow storm? Being a Colorado weatherman must be the greatest job on Earth. Because every single stinking day your weather predictions are wrong. And yet somehow you still have a job. You’re fired.

Sincerely,

Sick of not knowing what to expect!

Dear parents,

You always wanted to know why Amoo’s (Grandma) house was so wonderful. You always wondered are there secret rituals? What happens exactly when I leave my children for a few hours? Please let me enlighten you. It’s called Chicken Foo. Please watch the following video for a brief demonstration.

Sincerely,

Thank you Mom for letting my kids get the “wound up” out of their heads.

Letters to no one

To technology huggers everywhere,

My laptop is called the White Knight. It’s a Sony Vaio and I’m pretty much head over heels for it. I created this blog with this laptop. However today I must take it in for some repairs. I’m not looking forward to my separation from the White Knight.  I have dutifully backed up all of my files on an external hard drive and now have no other excuses not to take it in for service. Wish me luck on this painful endeavor.

Sincerely,

Hey you try being separated from your favorite technology and see how much you enjoy it.

Photo by Angela Moore

To my husband (the Army Man),

You were hysterical when you told me you are the “Ideal Husband.” It’s not that I disagree, it’s simply that there was no shame in your game when you told me that. Almost ten years married and you are still making me laugh.

Sincerely,

Your dutifully humble and grateful Wife

Photo by Angela Moore

To the Princess,

When I said Girls are the Coolest, you were not supposed to respond with Boys are Cooler. Aren’t you a tad young to be so boy crazy?

Sincerely,

You’re freaking me out!

 

Dear Cleaning Fairies,

You have severely fallen behind. Laundry for miles, dishes for days and don’t even get me started on the bathrooms. Please send back up!!  I must have order!!

Sincerely,

The house is in a sad state.

 

Dear Friends and Family Members,

You are so awesome. I would be a clueless gimp without you. I love, love, love you.

Sincerely,

The Clueless Gimp

Open Forum

Proceed With Caution

Attention Colorado Car Drivers,

Perhaps I lived in Texas too long. Perhaps it’s warped how I think about cars forever. But still I wonder Colorado. How in the world are you driving with un-tinted windows?! It seems a painful way to commute if you ask me. (It’s all this mountain air that makes the sun so bright, it practically sears.)  The tint on my windows is dark enough to suit the Secret Service. I revel in it and feel slightly superior to those who lack the tint.

Sincerely,

Cars without tinted windows look silly to me.

Dear Trash and Sanitation Team,

We need to talk. It seems your schedule to pick up trash fluctuates weekly. One week I can hear your obnoxiously loud wildebeest of a truck at the crack of dawn. The next week the beast won’t patrol until 4 pm. Pick a time. Any time. And stick to it.

Sincerely,

The -Garbage-Can’s-Full

Dear Post Office,

I sent a box to Utah and a box to the Army Man in Afghanistan. I shipped both boxes on the same day and I paid priority shipping rates for both boxes. My husband got his box in Afghanistan first. Seriously?!!

Sincerely,

Afghanistan is still 11,000 miles away from my house.

Dear Shutterfly,

Stop sending me 50% coupons and offers for free photos books. I keep ordering calendars and giving them to family members!! It’s a disease. I need a 12 step program specifically designed to keep me away from you. Stop looking at me like that. No I will not order Valentine Day cards!

Sincerely,

I just found the perfect Valentine Cards from Shutterfly.

Dear Readers and Commentators,

I couldn’t do this without you. Some days I feel like my blog is my only link to sanity. I can spew my thoughts out there and all three of you lovely readers give me daily affirmations. =) I love  every one of you, be ye blog reader or regular commenter. I wish we could all get together and chat in person.

Sincerely,

I am much funnier in written form.